2015

The most profound thing I learned this year.

Simple: how NOT TO BE the Holy Spirit in another persons life.

Cost: long suffering / patience

Prize: long suffering / patience... (OK, Character)


How to be the person whom knows the consequences of anothers actions, and also know that the only way the other will truly know what they are doing is wrong is by shutting up, and waiting on God to speak it to them... maybe even praying as you watch the whole messy mess unfold.

It takes trust.  Not just in God, but in the other persons relationship with God.  It takes wait.  It takes the grace understood and given by God.  G-R-A-C-E, grace.  The same grace Jesus had as he walked this earth.  His amazing grace we have access to.

It takes looking back at others whom have allowed me the same courtesy to do so for fellow brothers and sisters.  Wrote a thank you card, thanking those whom choose not to correct me, but waiting on conviction from a shared father to discipline and correct.  Convict and forgive.

Then with ease in my spirit it spreads to the corporate body, to those outside the body, then to mankind.  Applied to efforts of Salvation.  Human efforts failed as God beckons all of His own to Himself.

God speaks.  He convicts.  He corrects.  He disciplines those He loves.  Trust that He does this.  Trust that your brothers and sisters will hear this.  Stop taking His job and making it become an earthly temporary thing.  Let it be true conviction, true repentance, let it last an eternity... for Him, for His glory.  For His kingdom come.  Get out the way.  THE WAY.

A friend of mine told me she read a book awhile ago that suggested asking God for a word at the beginning of a new year... to watch how that word is brought to life, and weaves its way in and through your life that year.  Growth, Healing, learning.

I'm not a fan of new years resolutions, but the word thing was something that resonated with me. One year it was "wait", then next is was "grace".  And as I have been moving closer in time toward the year 2016, as I look both inward and outward... Public, private, ministry, world, corporate and family, I have been given my word.

I hesitate to write it for fear of a horrible accountability following. But will for fear of a greater conviction not being followed through on...

LOVE.

L-O-V-E, Love.

Have struggled.  Have struggled greatly.  I have always known how to love. Usually, in the Lord I do what it looks like to love.  But rarely to never do I FEEL love.  Leading up to this "love" year I have often wondered what it might be like to know what it feels like to be loved, what it feels like to love. I know truth isn't based in our feelings, but in fact.  I have cleared that hurdle (when wanting to) for many years.  I can do things that show love, especially when love isn't felt...  But oh, to love when love is to be felt.  This is a struggle.

I think, maybe, maybe this may be that year.  Feeling Love toward God and feeling His love back.  Feeling love toward others and feeling their love back.  Knowing God shields us, protects us.  Knowing love is not blind.

God is love.  All that love is.  Including the feeling.  Maybe the feel with come this year with the choice.  Dare i ask for Him to change my heart?  To feel the love I have chosen for so many years?

wait

Matthew 4:6 is just one example of being tempted to "use Satan's means to accomplish Gods ends" Jesus combated this with Gods word and was of course successful because He is perfect.

How often are we willing to not wait and settle for second best when God just wants us to wait a little longer? It sounds harsh to say that Doing it our way is Satan's way, but Our way is not Gods way, which in the world of right and wrong, black and white it only is wrong.

Genesis 21: 1-3 "Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him."

"Their long wait intensified their enjoyment of this child"..(Jesus Calling)

BUT: in vs. 9-11 "But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac." The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son."

God still gave Sarah what He had promised, but because of Her going ahead of God, an entire nation was born in conflict with the Nation of Israel forever...

wait. quietly, obediently. Do not go ahead, then have to have others and yourself suffer the consequences of not being able to wait. Yes, you will get pieces of what you asked for, but in the wait you will be able to enjoy the full intended thing that God had planned from the beginning. Do not take over. wait. quietly, in faith, obediently.

Personally I have to let something go coming up soon that I thought I knew was of God. But for the risk of allowing Satan to be part of something that God has intended for good, I will wait. Please join me today and wait. For the sake of the kingdom, for others, for the Glory of God. wait, quit, still, obey, wait.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

The "Weaker" Brother...

You don't understand what it means to not do something for protection of the weaker brother until you are him. Or in my case until you are Her.

Many an argument have crossed my path about drinking, smoking, use of diet drinks, oils, etc.  If it has come and gone through a community of believers, I have watched it pass.  I can only speak from personal experience and from the scriptures to this one, so please forgive me if you tend to be a person with a minor in OCD and a major in Addiction and this has not been your experience...

Are you someone that, once something works for you, you want the whole earth to share in your new found thing?  Do you talk it, eat it, drink it, sleep it and then do it all again the next day with a thankful and most gracious heart?  You are probably an Apostal, which is good.  The thing that is bad may be your efforts are being used in a temporary thing when they could be better used furthering the kingdom of God.  You are probably an Apostal... racing in the mind, distracted by shiny things, and the next best craze as I too have often been.  You are the weaker brother, brother.  I know because I too am she.  Sucked in by lesser things, by temporary things, by things that never quite fix, but feel better for a bit.  Beware the next best craze...

You who do the next best craze, and introduce it to the weaker brother.  What are you doing?  Please don't show me things that I can get addicted to, go running to, snuggle in to, huddle with, wake up wanting, needing buying and regretting.  I know, your relationship with that thing is different than mine, but I cant just do things a little. I need to be all in.  Keep your craze to yourself.  Do you know who I am ?  How can you tell a weaker brother.  You know I am she because I have shared, but what about her or him?  How do we stop this insanity before it begins?

From a weaker brother vantage point, might I suggest asking a few questions?  Will doing this edify the the weaker brother? Will it glorify the Lord?  (reverse that order) Is God the center? Can I live without this?  Could this be addictive?  Yes it may be permissible but is it beneficial?  My issue with addiction is my issue with addiction.  I get that, but I would never want to cause a weaker brother to stumble...

SOLUTION...

Let God be it all.  Drink Him in, let him regulate your food, heal your body, give you peace.  Is he not good enough alone?  Not drunk down with a fill of something man made?  a fill of the temporal?  You submit to one another as God sees fit, as servants of Jesus.  I will handle my addiction if you are true to not watering down all the Lord is to us.  HE IS OUR ALL.  Live it.

Advent

Advent: How does one prepare for the coming of a Savior?  Not just any savior, but the savior, Christ Jesus. As times become more weary, and nations fall... as we are active or dead in our response the fact that He will come is upon us.

How do we prepare for the coming of the one true Savior, Ruler, Creator of the universe?  

Receive

"For God so loved the world that He gave..." As Jesus was given as a gift, so we should receive all that He is, and all that comes with knowing and being in Him.  Suffering, adoption, bearing with one another, carrying of our own crosses, and putting it all where it belongs, back on Him.  God so loves the world that he gives.  Receive.

Repent

"Against you and only you have I sinned..."  "Turn your face away from evil, cling to what is good..."  Recently I was met with a need for heavy repentance.  It was heart wrenching, and beautifully redeeming at the same time.  As God convicts, you will always be shown a better way, His better way.  He loves those he disciplines.  "Search me and know me, see if there is any wicked way in me"

Rejoice

In all things.  Not just when you feel it.  When you know and believe that all He has ever done will be forever redeemed and He will receive the glory, there is nothing you cannot rejoice over.  Faith does not shift in the sands of time.  It grounds itself deeply in the truth of an all knowing never changing God.  

How are you preparing?  Active and living Gods word is written on our hearts and in our minds. Choose this day whom you will serve and live in the fullest of all God has to offer.  

Hello

Where do you go when you are at the end

Others

Self

Not yet at the end

Where do you hide when your heart is breaking

Self

Others

Where to begin.

Hello resounds in the heavens before you

Others

Self

The Creator, your maker

a line now drawn from earth back to heaven

Christ Jesus

the Spirit

now rejoicing you hear them

Where will you go now in a new beginning

hands open

eyes steady

the choice has been given

Irrelevant Bullying...

It was 8:30, and if the bus was just a little late, we may still make it... and then, she began to cry. Said she wouldn't go on the bus, said she couldn't, and wont ever again go to school ever again. Everything in me wanted to just rush on to the next task, push her out the door, and in the "dutch mom" kind of way tell her to suck it up and popo her fear away.  I needed to be somewhere in 15 minutes, my other kids routine will get knocked right off those tracks, laundry, dishes, packing that purse...

And a still small voice at the center of my being spoke, "Bring her close, snuggle in, hold her tight, listen and hear her small heart."  

The front door closed, and to my knees I fell to hear the gasping cries of my 6 year old baby.  "They all call me fat, no one likes me at school...they say I'm fat!"

Without a word I brought her close, held her, kissed her cheeks, stroked her hair, pulled her into my very spirit, and whispered... "who loves you?" Without hesitation she pointed first up then at me.  "Don't you know that God waited all night for you to open your eyes this morning to see what you would think of first?" Her eyes focused on mine.  "You know that you are so much more important to God than what you look like?"  She nods.  "You ask God what he thinks about you, you don't listen to people... Can I pray for you?"  She nods again...

We can go on about bullies, standing up for our children, teaching them not have any tolerance for such behaviors.  But this issue will continue on for the rest of their lives.  What if it was all irrelevant?  What if we taught our children that instead of listening to peoples praises, or insults, in looking to others approval, we taught them it was ALL irrelevant?  What if we raised a generation of children who look to their creator for their identity?  What if instead of telling our children that they are "big boned" and not fat, we ask them if it matters...  Truth is, it is all irrelevant in the span of eternity.  My child's significance must come from her creator, ONLY he knows who she is, what she will do, and who she will be...  and even none of that matters because of HIS GREAT LOVE...

The gospel of Jesus Christ is not something of this world.  The world will not understand it.  The word is meant to be lived out in truth here, now, and into eternity.  Hunger for eternal eyes that know truth for what it is, and discard anything less.  It is not natural for us to have self esteem.  Hunger for God esteem... always eyes looking up, as he affirms who HE is, and let your identity lie in who He is.  Alpha and Omega, in the beginning and through to the end.  Was, and is and is to come...  He never changes, and so neither will your firm identity because of him.  Choose to have your mind transformed to the likeness of Jesus...  Made in the image of our creator, redeemed to be seen as children of the one and only true God...  

So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good

(Genesis 1:27, 31)

broken wholeness

With room still, words on a page and a heart to pass through your glory is revealed.  An emptying of oneself. A passing through of life, light, glory, humbling, open laid before you with head to the ground. Undeserved praise to be pushed back to you, my creator, my rescuer, my mentor, my guide.

My all.

Written on my life, words on a page would not do.  Lived in the world, my complete surrender to be made new. It is in you, in you.  Through you and for you. As you still my will, steady my being, lift my eyes to you.  In you, through you and for you. Tendered heart, almost to overwhelmed as you pass by, as you remind me who indwells, with my choice in mind.  No more than I can bear, no less than you have paid for. A choosing, open, bare my heart is before you.

Truth is power when spoken from a place of complete transparent wholeness.  From complete transparent brokenness, wounds in process of being healed. As all wounds are in process to be healed. Trusting you in the pain, in the graciousness of your story dancing within mine, to be corrected: mine dancing within yours.

Forgive me for any words of my own. For teaching in truth but not in you.  In you with part of me. Part of me in my needs.  Forgive me for trust known and believed but not practiced and experienced.  Not learned. Do not let that opportunity pass, for in my disobedience the eternal cannot be seen. And yet, your grace is enough.  However you choose, you remain, and do your mighty works despite me.

You are because of who you are.  And I am because of who you have said I am. You wouldn't have it any other way.  And in every moment of my entire life, make it so with me.

Blue fish tattoo

Today I met a girl with a blue fish tattoo and immediately knew... Told her I had one on my back, we both smiled... then things just got real.  Right to the issues, right to the soul, the truth of the matter.  Suddenly everyday conversation was spoken and understood in an "not so scratch the surface" kind of way.  Someone in need of love was someone needing Jesus, bringing a meal was bringing living water with no bottom to the well...  Smiles recognized to be stored away in the memory of the soul for an eternal reunion.  Here we will serve, there we will dance. Today I met a girl with a blue fish tattoo and immediately knew...

Running stop signs

I ran a stop sign the other day. 50 meters behind me a car laid on its horn. I looked in the rear view mirror at the car stopped at the same sign and said WOW I just ran a stop sign! I drive that street every single day, how in the world could I have forgotten that there was a stop sign there? Would I have even noticed has the person behind me not honked?

God immediately says, this is how it looks when my children point out one anothers mistakes. There is a quick slap of the wrist or pull of the arm, truth is revealed, and the mistake maker is thankful for the reminder of the stop sign. Or are they? Are we? Was I?

The interesting part for me is the blessing in someone pointing out I had made a mistake. Its not like they wanted me to go back and correct it. They simply wanted to remind me that there was indeed a reason to stop there.

Next time you are corrected for a simple mistake, have a little grace. Humble your puffed up self, come back down to earth with the rest of us to enjoy a little fellowship in the mistake makers club. Its going to happen... and if your in the right community people honk because they love. Any other motivation is Gods business, not yours. Mind your honkin' buisness:)

Home sick

"At that time I will gather you;
    at that time I will bring you home."
Zephaniah 3:20

Been feeling home sick awhile now.  Longing to be snuggled into the Fathers arms with no second thought of the future.  Selfish thoughts but the core of my being is honest this morning.  To experience in part what we will in full can be agonizing.  Like the chase for another hit, knowing that we will receive the best upon the arrival of our true home.

Change my heart, forgive my sin, show me your glory on earth so that I can persevere until heaven.

As my circle of focus broadens, your children are in dire need of you across this planet.  Comfort those who mourn, give them hope and a longing for their eternal home, their focus on you.  Let their voices rise to you a sweet sound in your ear, and give them peace because of who you are.  I AM. Your eyes to see, your ears to hear, hands open to give and receive, and after a coal touches my unclean lips, a mouth to speak your truth.

Black coffee

I had a revelation moment while standing in Starbucks ordering a coffee...  It has since forever changed the way I drink my coffee, viewed this generation, and read the word of God.

I was trying to figure out and becoming increasingly stressed over the terminology of having to order a coffee in a new place.  Furthermore having to think of all the wonderful things I would like to add to my coffee in order that I didn't taste actual coffee.  I began to suffer from pre-coffee anxiety and God in His ever so gentle way whispered,

"just drink a coffee, nothing added, nothing taken away. Just have a coffee."

What a strange thing for God to tell me.  Then a flood of things came to mind...  This generation, the word of God, how foreign the concept of church must seem to the new believer, how we can add and take away from the Bible in how we preach, or how we present salvation to a new believer. How ordering a coffee can be like ordering a church in every size and color to meet our wants, but then we are not really looking for church are we?  Or are we?

You can make your coffee to taste like whatever you like, but is it then coffee?

You can make the word of God say whatever you like, but is it then the word of God?

Is it time to start ordering your coffee black?  Is it time to start looking around in Starbucks instead of at the menu board?  Is it time to drink a coffee for what it is?  A bitter tasting, but warming and energizing substance to be taken in and savored?

Lets go for coffee...

Train up a child in the way she should go: and when she is old, she will not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6)  

Feeling quite out of bodyish at the moment leading up to Tuesday.  I remember in the worst times wishing for this day to arrive, and now that it is almost here, and I have had the best summer EVER I am anticipating each moment that will lead up to it.  Wanting to have a mental memory frame by frame to halt and slow it all down... back it up, slow it down.

That world can be so big and mean.  I want to hover and hold and cuddle into that everlasting love... but this is not my lifelong job.  I'm not sure God is best glorified in my moments of closed hands, holding onto the ones he gives instead of releasing them to be blessed and bless others.

How could I have known in my worst moments with them that I would be having this moment so quickly? I gasp as if to recover the last breath wasted in my worst moments.  I gasp because I'm desperate for their little minds to know that I did in fact give my all, even when my all didn't seem to quite hit the mark.

In my spirit we we always have the past and this summer. In the future, just as I have discovered with God, I will learn new things of them.  How to surrender between 8:30 am and 3:30 pm two lives just beginning...  Ah, and yet the Lord knows.  He knows.  

My babies are off to the bus, off to the classroom, off to the fallen world of my only Lord.  From inside of the house the moment my hand touches the door, their keys unlock my heart.  How long will I be able to hold them in, snuggle them close enough to know it is time for a bath again:)? 

All my babies... All of the Lords babies... and for every moment forward, open hands and opens arms.  Please pray for moms like me that may struggle the first day of school...

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

~Jesus (Matt. 9:10-14)

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.

~Samuel (1 Sam. 12:23)

It is tempting to just stay with "our own" and not venture outside of our small circle of influence. I'm not sure we are called to just stick with our own. As God builds you up, remember that part of your walk is to share about the hope you have in Christ Jesus, always being prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

Jesus came for the sick. A part of our life must be to shine His bright light into dark places, no matter the cost. Give mercy... and Father, with face to the ground we ask for you to have mercy on us.

North America is one of the largest missions fields in the world today. Having more is reaping less. I am ashamed to say I don't always do my part, take up my cross, take His yoke upon me. Not a moment should go by that we are not desperate for people to be saved from their Hell and brought into the light. What will you sacrifice to be known by our Lord? What will it take for Him to be known through you, through you to others?

Remember that the New Testament was written to new believers. Everyone else was rebuked or corrected in their unbelief. Some of us choose to be the "everyone else"... the New Testament kicks my tired, searching in other places for something I don't need butt all over the place. People that do not believe in Jesus have no foundation or understanding of why you do what you do. Always point them to God in their questions, in the answers. Do not think that you will not be called out if you do not do this. It may not be today, but your life will go on so much longer after you die.

The beauty of a new Believer. A baby in the family of Christ Jesus... the innocence, the wondering questions, the longing for more, milk then solids... Be part of that for someone, for the masses... for whatever you are called to be obedient to.

"I tell you, whoever publicly acknowledges me before others, the Son of Man will also acknowledge before the angels of God." Luke 12:8

Father help each one of us carry the burden of the cross with us daily, in whatever way we have been called. Help us to be obedient, help us to take your yoke upon us and learn from you. In these horrible times may we cling to you for living water that you give us and never thirst again.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,

I will call on him as long as I live.

Psalm 116:1-2

Never forget the place in which you where when God pulled you out. Don't look back to allow the evil one to have power there, but rather to have yourself humbled as a reminder of Gods great love for you.

It is easy to look around, take a snapshot of another persons' life and make assumptions about them. You too were once in a place in need God more than anything else. He reveals Himself when He chooses, not when we push him on others, not when it is better timing for us, but when He chooses, in His time.

It took a lot of hearing for me to listen to God in my life. Some days it still takes time. As the Father gains ground in my life, it is a gift to have a time and place staked out that I am able to remember the state I was in... for while we were still sinners our Heavenly Father loved. Loved and rescued. Rescued and saved... and still saves. Thank You, Lord.

Change

We pray for change, and when it happens we are not ready to change with it.  When praying for people, we forget that as they change we too, shall change with them, toward them, toward Jesus, redemption and the cross.  The cross where suffering and eternal joy are met.

Today I am at a crossroad, and it brings excitement, sorrow and anticipation altogether.  Prayer works, and it always works at the exact time it needs to.  Fasting with prayer never takes long for answers.  Answers the way God gives them, and not always in the form I would have wanted, but answers non the less. Does God not know what is best for His children?  Can we trust that?

A life surrendered cannot pick and choose how God speaks, what He speaks and when.  A life surrendered moves when He moves, jumps at the sound of their name, and lays all of whom they are before the King.  Surprised to receive everything back, but polished and made new.

The process can be long and painful, the process can be exciting and quicker.  Obedience in the process is a choice.  Meekness is unbridled power brought into submission, once a fight against any attempt to bring the will under control of the master, now yielding.  Never loosing its strength or endurance, but a surrender of control to the master.

Today let us not have a battle of the will; let us choose to move forward in the bridled power of our Lord, and relinquish our control to Him.

Park, poolside, swimming lessons had begun.  In looking around I was drawn to those I knew, but they were leaving, their kids done with lessons.  I waited for my oldest in the pool, as my youngest taunted my grace interacting with strangers, beckoning my constant watch.

I threw out a line to another mom.  She nibbled and threw it back, and so our conversation began.  As the conversation continued she shared.  As she shared and a common love for a common Savior emerged.  She spoke of addiction.  She spoke of the desperation, the falls, the blessings, and then the touch of Jesus.  The moment, heart wrenching, emptying of self and call to our Lord.  The physical touch and all consuming love, from her knees she had known and felt the arms of Jesus.  "All consuming and total complete love, complete love".

As she spoke, my spirit danced with hers, rejoicing in Gods love, grace, goodness.  She spoke a message of thankfulness for past suffering.  A message not understood by many, and the few that do are left changed for another destination, another calling and purpose.  Perspective flipped in a 180. A 180 into the most brilliant light, an overwhelming filling of the human heart, a rebirth, metamorphosis of the soul.  Longings filled, searching found, and filled to the brim of every goodness your life on earth can experience.

In the moment, I almost fell to my knees overwhelmed by her testament wanting to praise God for His goodness.. the word goodness cannot come close containing the truness of His essence.  My eyes were taken over by tears, and had I spoken at the wrong moment, I would had caught my breath in a sob of relief for the woman she once was. Her story that morning like a gentle kiss from a parent in a sacred moment never to be forgotten. So grateful for this gift, simply hearing the story of one masterpiece molding to His image...

Today, throw a line... you may be surprised where God beacons you onto holy ground, with another child of God.

It was in the silence she was most uncomfortable. Nothing was hidden when that room was entered. There was no hiding behind words that filled space, no noise to consume the nothingness she felt, nothing to grasp as her insides climbed in a potential free-fall to the bottom.  All was too mysterious, unknown, and intimate for one on the search... for one seeking another out... but then the seeker can never be found.

He sat with her.  He had sought her out that morning and been waiting for a moment to be heard. All she spoke of, He already knew.  All she asked for He would give from eternity.  All her feelings known from birth.  He sat with her.  He sat as she read, He sat as she journaled, He sat as she got up to get another coffee.  He watched her.  He was amazed by her.  He was so pleased with her.  As He sat with her, He desired so much more for her... for them. In her asking, He whispered to her.  

So faint was the whisper that she almost missed it. It was like a quick and quiet glance.  Like the beginning and the end with an assumed middle.  She was filled.  In a moment she had been filled.  In hearing she got up and went about her day.

He had not yet finished.  There was so much more.  As the room was left hidden, as she went about her day.  The beginning and the end, a middle should never be assumed. 

What is it that keeps us from the intimacy of silence?  Is it what we may hear from our Lord and not like what he says?  Do we not have the discipline and practiced peace to hear? Are we lacking in trust and patience?   Or is it that we think we can do without?  Whatever excuses you use, I would invite you to rethink them, take responsibility for them, and begin to practice the gift of quieting your soul. While the world spirals in chaos around you, practice silence.   While your world falls apart, and you are helpless to do anything else, practice silence.

It is when we are completely empty of ourselves our talents, our wants, our needs, our stuff that He will begin to speak, build, answer.  To have nothing is to gain it all.  In nothing, in the silence, in that empty room you will seek and find and keep your Salvation.  

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”" Ps. 46:10

"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm." Mark 4:39

"Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." Ps. 4:4

...In Silence Spirit speaks to spirit. There is no physical involved.  As you grasp this truth not only will you know the sound of the Savior, but recognize Him in others.  In what others say, the transfer of communication becomes spirit, and so much fuller in its understanding.  The richness of communication made in the likeness of being one with Him as He is one with the Father is a rare found gem.  It can be found in the body. It can be found in relationships.  and it is meant for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ, to always point us back to Him who gave us all we are in Him.

the Prodigal daughter

When I was much younger I fooled myself into believing that putting limits on people was a way of slowly choking the life out of a young women’s spirit, the slow fade of a radiant light, a violent drowning resting at the bottom of a forgotten ocean of dreams. I began to believe that rules were a result of not being trusted, a sick means of control for the people that had paranoia’s beyond my juvenile and inexperienced soul.  God’s rules were not viewed much differently.  And as the time of age ticked, without any parameters given I tested this false belief with every extreme I could get my hands on.  Walking in the opposite direction of my Heavenly father, I choose to journey alone.  This is the story of the Prodigal daughter, and her journey back into the arms of her Savior.

I became a friends with Jesus at the age of four.  I remember walking and talking with Him just as sure as I have walked and talked with some of you over the past few days.  This relationship was full of beauty and innocence; things only the movie of our minds with the right music and the right setting could create.   I’m not sure at what age it took place, but something very dark that I blamed myself for in the years to come happened.  This perceived sin became the stronghold that caused me to live as an outsider to the family of God for many years to come.  It covered me in layers of punishing behaviours that I choose for myself as an atoning for my sin.  I was attracted to evil as a moth is to a flame.  Eating disorders, cutting, drinking, drugs, and borderline suicidal behaviour became my comfort.  I believed that somehow I could beat my body into paying for how disgusting I was. For how disgusting my sin had been.  At one point, I remember there being two distinct me’s.  Somewhere behind the screaming, hatful, angry girl, there was a lonely crying, misunderstood child longing to be wrapped in her saviours arms.

Between grade 10 and 11 my family moved which placed me from attending a school of 150 to 1500.  My parents looked for a Christian group for my brother, and I was made to tag along.  This group was called Youth for Christ, and this is where my past and present calling meet.  A sort of heavenly appointment where the hand of God so gently pushed me toward the extension of Christ’s love here on earth.  This group of people soon became a very safe place for me to fall. I floated in and out of Youth for Christ for the next three years.  There was still deep rooted acts of self-hate, but now there was a community of believers that cared, and made sure I knew it.  I would be gone from the group months at a time, and when I returned for a visit, they would always ask me where I had been, what I had been doing.  They knew – they could see it in my eyes, smell it on my breath, hear it in my voice.  They loved me anyways.  I continually fought with the two me’s.  One was full of all sorts of hate, evil, and latched onto anything that would pull her down.  The other wanted to believe the childhood stories of a loving saviour, more powerful and beautiful than our souls could imagine.  But I could not be vulnerable, I couldn’t need anyone.  If anyone found me out, in the places I hid, the pit, the soil in which I had laid my head…  They would never love me.  I couldn’t do it. And now the end to the beginning, and the beginning of a new end.

When I turned 18 I decided to go out with a guy that had no interest in me but to get me high and do what he wanted with me.  I choose it.  I choose it because of my self-hate. I choose it because I had bought into the lie that I deserved it.  I lost my virginity to him, and soon thereafter became pregnant.  I remember having the conversation with God about a baby.  The gentle imprisoned Johanna longed for a child.  Longed to love and be loved.  Almost as quickly as acceptance had been thought of, it was stolen away.  I can still remember the place I stood when I gave God the finger and walked the other way. The next day the appointment was booked.  It was to be the ultimate punishment – the ultimate display of how sickly and not valued my life or anything that could come from this body was.  It came from hate, from whispers of a dark kingdom – perhaps from Satan himself.  I don’t remember much between the time I walked away and the appointment.  A death had taken place, a spiritual suicide. It was like the beautiful child I once had been was now laying on the floor of the prison dug out for her, because of one lie.  The true me hung in the balance of life and death during the appointment.    As life was taken and drugs then given to comfort, she knew it would take so much more than drugs to forget this one.  She emerged, exhausted and overcome with remorse, heaving with every bit of emotion left in her broken heart. 

In the weeks to follow her body became infected.  There was so much pain, she dropped out of school.  She hoped she would slowly fade, unnoticed by anyone.  Forced by a friend to go to the doctor, she was hemorrhaging from an infection.  Given medicine, she was told to rest.  Rest was the last thing she was able to do.  She was afraid. The feared that murder would be the end of it all.  She feared that she had walked too far outside of the parameter of grace.  She thought her saviour wouldn’t want her anymore.  She was empty, she was alone.

My journey to forgiveness was a miraculous one. I was invited to a Freedom in Christ conference by one of the Youth for Christ workers.  I sat through two maybe three hours of prayer and confession.  I wasn’t convinced. God wasn’t going to show up – but God had never left.  He ran quickly without hesitation into the pit to rescue this child of His.  Held her hand through every moment as she flirted at gates of Hell.  Covered in every sort of demon, darkness, he fought for her, and carried her lifeless body to breathe her back to life again. Brought her back to the beginning.  Gave her a new beginning.  Filled her to overflowing with all the love, light and truth available to man.   He calls her His own; a child of the most high God.  He freed her for condemnation, works all things for her good, has established, anointed and sealed her to do His good work.  She is now hidden in Christ.  Cannot be touched by the evil one; been given a spirit of power, love and a sound mind… no fear is in her.  She is now God’s temple, a minister of reconciliation, appointed to bear fruit.  She can approach her Father, her God, her Saviour seated in the heavens with freedom and confidence.  He passed her life through the saving power of the cross.  She has been made free. I am free.

Had I known that the limits put on me were meant to protect, and not to snuff out a light; had I known the rules were safeguarding my wandering and innocent heart… I may have listened, I may have obeyed.  I may have experienced freedom sooner.  Putting limitations on ourselves is meant for freedom. Don't buy into the worlds lies that the sky is the limit, the only way this is possible is with the creator of the skies. In knowing the rules, we are free to be whom God originally created us to be; loved beings to share in his creation with Him.  Without limits life is overwhelming, exhausting, and all-consuming in every area.   And as I become closer to my Jesus, rules fade into respect, and instead of a checklist, I experience the grace extended in a relationship.  Instead of being drowned at the bottom of an ocean, I am given the opportunity to go with the creator of the universe wherever he chooses, with Him at my side.  Today choose His Limits, choose life, choose freedom.

The Vision

She curled in a small ball on the ground, entering into a state of mind she had gone many times before. Full of every sort of shame and remorse her young mind could conger up.  Regret of not filling her duty as their child, deserving in her isolation and shame.  She stayed not out of fear, but out of self atonement, punishment.  In the stay she was not overcome.  She heaved with deep sorrow not meant to be known by a small child.  Her body convulsing with the refusal to make a sound. Tears silently fell from her eyes and gently watered the earth. There was no way to know, that as the wind threw her hair amiss and her clothing became soiled she was not alone.

Gods eyes, Gods plan, a plan overlapping the physical.  Time stands still and in a vision, this place of assurance and healing came into full focus.

Panning out from this dark, dirt-filled smoke, moving up further into a place where the child is but the size of a fist... this spirit gasps... jumps... becomes overwhelmed.  As wind gently nudges the childs surroundings,  a legion of angels surrounds this space the girls has created for herself.  Spread in the full unashamed glory of the Father, their wings encompass this space.  A safe house where choices and consequences are felt and known, but only pass by in the authority of the Father.  Outside of this space a battle being fought for her life. 

Had I known...  Had I believed...  And yet some visions are meant for a time and a space outside of time.  Things change when you have seen the angels that keep the world at bay.  Things that once made complete sense change in the light of Jesus' saving power.  Things change in a moment of complete healing.  In a moment of asking and receiving what God wants to show you.  A moment, and then a process.  A process away from my eternal home... in my spirit knowing this world has so much more to offer.  Excited to live abundantly in the Spirit.  There is always so much more. 

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91:9-16

My time with God this morning was very encouraging so I thought I would share a bit from it.

"The Lord said to Joshua, “Do not be afraid of them; I have given them into your hand. Not one of them will be able to withstand you.” (Joshua 10:8)

"...God will not commission you to do anything without ensuring your success...God does not promise you victory in every task you devise, but He will promise that you will be successful whenever you follow HIS will..."

This next part was what caught me off...  I tend to be someone that has the potential to mow people over rather than waiting on God in His time for His plan to be accomplished... Something I am process with, and have made great strides in...

"... Does it appear that people are keeping you from obeying Gods will?  Rest assured that God will not allow anyone or anything to prevent his children from accomplishing His purposes..."

Yes, blaming other people because they would rather not fit into the box you have shoved them in is not their fault...lol  

"...Be careful to evaluate success in the way God does... When you face opposition but know you are doing what God has asked, have confidence that He will accomplish everything that He desires..."

This week I have been prompted to look past the physical and into the spiritual in regards to progress or lack there of in ministry.  It has been helpful, it has been grace filled and the timing has been perfect (as always it is with God)  Allow God to pour his wisdom over you to discern what is REALLY happening in the spiritual.  Do not allow the ways of man to prevent you from progress in the spiritual. Cling to God, and He will show you, ask and trust.  Trust and ask.  Your discouragement will flee when you can see the eternal value in temporary failure...

(Quotes taken from Experiencing God by Henry T Blackaby)

It has been an interesting journey to look at every weak spot in my life and have God flip and turn it to His advantage.  When you have been engaged in sin as much as I have in my past, it is a worthy exercise to see all that was once filth become redeemed and have a clear record of this, to remind yourself what pit the Father pulled you from.  The many pits He has rescued you from. The many pits he rescues me from.  In knowing these, not only do you guard yourself from unknowingly re-committing, you also learn your weak points, blind spots become known, and your move closer to the Fathers heart.  You are continually humbled, not shamed (because there is no re-offending desired) continually looking upward in an attitude of surrender, and desire to glorify your Lord.  In seeing the glory of our Lord, it then becomes difficult to see the stain that once there was.

Where once there was no speech in a loved one, there is now a spirit filled discernment of others.

Where once there was mediation between parents, there is now mediation in the Body.

Where once there was a pride in sin, there is now a humble story.

Where once there was a stubborn will there is now an unwavering will of truth.

Where once these lips tore down, they now encourage.

Where once there was obsessive addiction, there is now a laser like vision.

Where lies were once sought out, now familiar and disregarded.

What once was silenced, can never be quieted.

What was meant for bad, He used for good; he uses and is using for good.  I am completely surprised as He chooses not only to redeem every piece of me, but to show me why, then include me in His plan.  What Grand adventure the Father brings to those whose trust and love are for Him.

``Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices,

And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remolded into [fuller and more perfect knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it.`` -Paul (Col. 3:9-10

Her excitement was hardly containable.  She was building something grand, with towers, motes and a bridge. The focus was on and with the right water to sand ratio, she knew her success would be glorious.  Having a pile of moist sand, pails to her left and shovels to her right she began to construct the most elaborate sandcastle her eleven year old hands could shape. She has seen in the Disney books how they had more than just one tower, and how high Rapunzel lived, a mental blueprint for her days extravagant adventure.  Her expectations high and the noon day sun higher with lazer focus she built her kingdom from the top down as any new ruler would.

She was completely oblivious to her surroundings.  The little boy with a super soaker in the corner of the beach,  The mom screaming from the top of the beach for her kids to stop heading out into deeper waters, and the highly competitive soccer game being played on the grassy patch beyond the beach.

The final touches went onto the towers (feathers as flags in the tops of the peaks) and the walls delicately fortified (skipping stones neatly arranged on sand).  People began to gather and She then began to notice the OOO's and Ahhh's of her glorious kingdom.  An approving smile from mom, a jealous glare from a neighbor, a kingdom wreckage glance from the super soaker boy. She stood up, three hours older, and backed away for the first time; expectation met, complete self satisfaction... and then it happened... like a mangled road accident in slow motion, we could not look away.

The new kid to the beach, with the flashy soccer ball, and decorated uniform like he had just won the world cup yells "SCORES"!!!  And as planned as a kids soccer kick can be, the ball landed on the highest tower with the most beautiful princess squashed inside.  She screamed.  (the creator, not the created) She cried and became more distraught when she found out it had been the boys plan all along.  As she had planned three hours prior to build this kingdom, he had also made a plan of his own.

There was no apology, no forgiveness train. People scattered back to their regular activities and she stood, attempts of comfort by mom, but not recovered.  She set in her mind to ask that new flashy soccer playing wanna be world cup winner boy, why.

Why?  Why did you break my sandcastle?  The boy, looking really confused told her that her brother (with whom he had been playing soccer with) said she was building something for them to destroy, and as soon as she would step away from it, that would be the secret signal for the bomb to be dropped.  In normal boyish fashion, this is what he had done.

Misunderstanding.  Misunderstood.  That very morning, brother and sister discussed that it would be fun at the end of the day when the beach had been abandoned to clear it of all created kingdoms. Timing. Timing misunderstood.  Not knowing if she would ever recover from this catastrophic loss, she went for a swim.

Timing.  Gods timing.  Plans with Gods timing.  Eager to move forward, to plunge ahead?  Timing. Gods Timing with plans...

Today care for those devastated my misunderstood timing.  Be comforted those of you who can jump ahead.  The wreckers, the followers, the sisters and brothers.  In the family of God broken sandcastles are inevitable. We all live in and through our mistakes, and are affected by others peoples mistakes. Forgive, move on.  Go for a swim and let His refreshing waters awaken your senses and cleanse your body.  Emerge refreshed with the kingdom once again in your sight...

Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow...