2021, being lost in being found.

 

2021, the year I have been most lost, and most found.

I am learning that even loss can be a gift. When held and examined, loss slows time and invites down space that is eternal; Time not owned by this world, time that gives permission to be wrapped and carried – but only for a moment. Eternal time cannot be taken from the ones that recognise it as a gift. Loss within eternal time calls eternity closer – as eternal time lives in each one that has stepped aside and been carried into the inner courts of a royal love so old and clouded in glory that the human heart cannot conceive the fullness of what is pulsating through each of its chambers.

It is a rare gift to hold another’s loss with them. To examine it together. This is true communion. For by holding and examining loss together one of the worlds oldest tactics to steal, kill and destroy is put to rest. Unexamined loss dishonors how precious loss has been. This process cannot be hurried. Walk through loss with another, walk around and through it together – and in this way you experience being found together. Isolation looses its power, and in the wide open, unafraid and exposed you find others that each walk with their own loss, being lost – waiting to be found.

Every part of life involves loss. Those who never experience loss never truly love, and to never truly love is the greatest of all loss.

Loss brings with it the new. They are in no way opposites as their origin is found being mended by the same strong hands holding the outside of time within the same time. You cannot know in full what has been of great loss until you exist in the tension of being lost and choosing to stay lost until another comes to find you. You cannot know you will be found until you know for whom you were made to be found by. Once you know the who of being found, the fog will lift and you will find that being found has been the very purpose you have chased your entire life. Once He has found you, looking into time eternal with loss is no less painful, but the face of the one to which whose hand extends from is seen, and in being seen you know this place like a familiar home you left many years before. In this home you find your rest. A rest so filled with peace that you cannot deny being found again is something you will do over and over to remain in the loss until He shows you that the tension of his wait is the gift of his loss.

Every day I am lost, over and over again I am found. I have chosen to remain lost so I am not finding myself; but being found by Him – the giver of all things – He gives me loss and he gives me new. It is all a gift. He blinds and cuts with laser like precision – his light so terrifying that in his kindness He had not used this way of loss prior to this time. His light feared now more than the darkness welcomed in my youth; a fear tempered with being deeply known and loved in every part of my loss.

2021, the year I have been most lost, and most found.

In 2022 I see my new heart looking to Jesus in his loss. I see Him embracing loss for something of greater value. For the glory that pulses through His veins is the same that pulses through mine. We are his portion, a chosen people, a royal priesthood of the purest of love blood line, sacred, saved, set apart. Surly our loss is known to him; His glory known through our living bodies stands to shake the chains of Hell, and walk through the fire to be made pure for his kingdom. Could my humility be for his sake, the bowing my head low cause the enemy to fear us more? Could it be that the new heart, this new heart of flesh is the foundation of his home in me? That being home sick was the sickness of not knowing home was the hardness of heart in me? Each of us house a portion of the kingdom within us, I am at home to be found in You.

Covid 19 Opinion Shared...

 I just need to say this from the beginning – it has been a long and difficult season of keeping my mouth shut. God was so clear with me in the beginning –

“If it’s not my opinion I would ask that you say nothing.”

I knew I had not gotten his opinion on anything about the temperature of this wavering culture, so I was obedient. Even with my closest of friends, I shared very little of my own thoughts and opinions as I was not sure they lined up with God’s. I asked questions others would avoid, I watched, listened, learned – but was slow to discuss anything to do with Covid. I can honestly say it has been one of the most disciplined acts of my life – and in the end so very rewarding. In my restraint I have found a deeper place of surrender, a sacred space of wondering, and a heightened sense of the movement of my saviour. All these things would have been lost had I not kept my mouth shut.

Asking questions often reveals the heart of a situation. Knowing the heart of a situation invites prayer; invites a new way of seeing, knowing another – in a place of depth very few people remain to know, remain to thrive. Payer that aligns with the heart of the creator for his children – both corporately and individually.

Mask wearing made me hyper aware of reading emotion in peoples eyes. Fear, anger death beckoning loneliness and emptiness that spans past eternity. I have watched a new minority group become targeted, hated, and slowly cast out. Fear, anger… loneliness, emptiness – nothingness.

I listened as people cried for their families, their loved ones, their wants, their needs, their privileges slowly slipping through their fingers like clean water in a disease riddled land. I listened to hate and ridicule, curses and death going out from their mouths – selfishness made a god and ego a mans best friend.

I saw it all, and I wondered – what is your heart on this. You see it all, you love each one; the one that hates, the one that fears – the empty ones and the ones at deaths door. What is your heart – and he finally spoke…

“The issue at hand is not the focus – the transformation of your heart, is.”

And so as I looked to arrive I realized the request to keep my opinions to myself – to watch, listen and learn, was the point. There was no arrival, but rather the soft reminder that our response to situations is the deepest reflection of the undercurrent of our lives. My arrival was the continual journey of transformation. Gods heart for his people is how the current situation is bringing them nearer to him, and to one another. Gods heart for us to love him, and love others is a direct reflection of how he is choosing to use the current situation to form us- individually and corporately.

When He asked me to keep my opinions to myself it was an invitation to hear the heart of a nation, and be transformed in the process.

What are you watching, listening to, and learning? How is the undercurrent of your inner self being formed? Do you see those that hate you, that disagree with you, that have written you off? You no longer have the luxury of hating back. Your reactions say more about you than you realize – and there you will find the beginning of God searching your heart, and knowing you.

You will find that conviction invites, and forgiveness is a breath away. You will find that healing is taking place and your new life is being fanned into flame. You will fall forward into the softest arms of grace, and live into a new way – a way that requires much, and produces just the right amount of surrender for each moment of each day.

I would ask that you become aware of your need to react, look full into the eyes of Jesus to ask what he would do in this current culture. There is a freedom that invites us to live – really live. He invites you today to really live.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Canoeing the Mountains, A book review /reflection paper

 This book by far has been my favorite leadership book. It speaks to the heart of what so many leaders struggle to navigate – gained ground in a changing world. It puts in hand tools to use when exploring new terrane in this post Jesus culture; an invitation to know what you know well, fight for it, in ways that both God and man is valued. To engage in the transformation of self while neck deep in the front lines – being assured that the arrival of a destination was never the intention of the master creator – but rather the transformation into the likeness of the one true Christ along the way.

The parts of leadership I thrive toward have been forging new paths, building trust, adaptation, and personal / organizational transformation. If the world in front of me is nothing like the world behind me, the opportunity to understand and learn from voices from outside of my area of influence must grow. I cannot default at my last best move to lead forward, there must be other places to pull from – other people to speak into the next moves. The people I learn from will come from a variety of backgrounds, live different lifestyles, and poses a diversity of world views. This is the adventure of learning a culture and being part of gospel infused into culture. The mystery of watching the Spirit settle on a people group and breath the words of life into their being.  On the other side of a new world comes those that will choose to stay the same. I must resist the desire to keep status quo happy, assess losses and allow trust to build as currency to endure each crisis of change together.

Building trust does not come easy. It takes integrity and confidence in the mission being consistent as the leader in every relationship and circumstance to move forward. What is most important to us; essential to the mission, who are we? Are we learning as we move? Are we changing as we move? These questions are central to a living, breathing, learning organization and her people. Clinging to the identity of mission, not allowing the strong cultural currents to push or pull the group, but invite forward into being and doing with strong foundations to stand on.

My deepest struggle has been in the sabotage. The internal resistance to change was not something my softening soul was ready for; and yet in God’s sovereignty transformation is being found through the sabotage. In the newness of building trust, and adapting as God transforms somewhere along the line I had lost my personal responsibility of being and becoming; So busy “doing” that my life line was slowly but consistently being choked out. Believing the voices of this worlds success, trudging the paths of those before to find myself lost in a new and terrifying place; regretting the lack of confidence to search the sacred path forged by a simple few before me. Seasons of walking alone to find my lifeless body being carried to and left at the mouth of an empty tomb – radiant with the lifeblood of the worlds Saviour. Carried by a chosen few who knew that my sessions at the cross had long expired to usher in a new era of looking ahead.

Isolation and independence contribute to enduring sabotage alone. One cannot lead alone. One should not endure sabotage alone. Sabotage is normal, sabotage will come, and when it does having equal partners to trudge through the mess together is life giving; its transformational. Knowing the facts, feeling the feels, and hovering above it all to recognise that shifting emotions inevitably will upset the balance of a relationship system, not completely obliterating the institutions core identity. Knowing the difference between relational systems and institutional systems will help navigation into unchartered territory when sabotage is peeking just over the horizon.

I have learned to be counterintuitive in my natural responses to sabotage. When I am struggling with trusting others, I force my being to lean in a little closer, ask the difficult questions, allow my opinions to settle and not always be heard. When I want to go alone, I reach out to find others waiting for an invitation, longing for a connection, seeking a listening ear. It startles me that I have found people that enjoy my company as much as I do – with no need to hide or be someone else to or for them. I am seeing questions for what they are, not my perception of what they mean to me. Getting out of my own mind to see another view of the world – watching Jesus play hide and seek with me in others life story as they share openly about their hopes, fears, dreams. I have begun to look back to see my place of origin teaming with the life of redemption and purpose – every piece being brought to a place of continual completion.

Each page of this book points to transformational change in unchartered territory. Everything has changed, everybody will be changed; especially the leader. In my time leading Upper Canada Youth for Christ I have found that some people are eager to step out of the boat, and others are terrified to. I am learning how to invite others, one foot at a time to step out, step in and if need be get wet – or as I often see it, go for a swim because it is all about the extended hand that rescues us from the undercurrent.

I have been so encouraged reading this book as it has affirmed my asking of new questions and forging new ground. I can continue to be told no and ask over and over again with confidence and bring the “no sayers” in close to help me see the problems in the plan before me. I am most encouraged that I can step past taking things personally when it comes to sabotage. It is not always about what I did or how I did it, but often about a groups resistance to change; and that is ultimately God's problem, not mine

Back to Psalm 23

When I was a child, Psalm 23 was my first memorized Bible chapter. Every year on my birthday God brings me back to the beginning, back to the security of what He has said in his word, back to Psalm 23. Every birthday He heals a part of me that this messy world has messed up, and opens new ways of seeing Him and others. 

Today this verse is healing me. 

"...your rod and your staff they comfort me..."

These words in His Word are proof of Gods active presence in my life. Growing up I was often left to myself because I have a brother with a severe disability who needed more care. The little girl in me longed for guidance, especially when I was going the wrong way. The message I received was that I wasn't worth anyone's time - the truth is that God was in desperate pursuit of me, He saw me, He heard me. The comfort is that his discipline and guidance show that He is in active pursuit of me today, and deeply cares about who I am, and how I am. 

We often associate comfort with the good things; hugs, active listening, presence - and these things do bring comfort. Comfort is also being told no because something may hurt you, having strong boundaries that hug you safely, and being told the truth even when the truth is hard to hear. There is comfort in the hard things because it shows intentionality and care. 

I am healing by seeing the situation I was in as a child differently. Today the way I perceive God in this verse has brought me into His healing. What a great way to celebrate another year!

The Lord the Shepherd of His People

A Psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Picturing Prayer...

 “I feel bad because I forget to talk to GOD all day, and I really want to.”

That was the cry of my daughters heart last night before bed. With tears in her eyes and a genuine desire to be in constant contact with the creator of the world throughout her day – her confession got me thinking; How do I stay in contact with God throughout my day?

I know my daughter thinks in picture. I know she is highly skilled at interacting with others, but needs time to process. I know she has trouble finding words share her dreams, vision or emotion to whatever is happening in her minds eye. So we revisited the subject the next morning on the way to school.

I asked her how she felt last night when she was crying about not remembering to talk to God during the day. She said she felt bad, and like she might be missing out on things He wants to show her. I then talked to her about the way I have incorporated continual conversation into my day with God.

I told her that I often think in picture, and the pictures that I think on, God understands because he made me. He speaks my special picture language as well. I said to her that often in my picture thinking, I know God is looking at my picture thinking with me, seeing pictures and thoughts the exact way I do, and adds thought pictures to what I see. God is the only one that can actually enter into my pictures with me, and know the way they make me feel. So its actually easy to talk to God all day because I just picture him creating pictures with me all day long. The trick is remembering that He is in those thought pictures with me.

I explained that when I pray for her, its actually a picture first – that when she hears the words, it is a picture that I have seen and have had to translate into words so that she understands.

I then said that I would pray to her in pictures for her day, so that she would know how I pray and see if she understands what I mean. This is the prayer I prayed…

Father God, thank you for Nicole. I see her being hugged by Jesus all day, feeling his love so much that it shines from her eyes and other people recognise your love through her. I see her talking to kids that no one wants to talk to on the yard – helping them up, walking and talking with them the way you do, and would. I see you walking with them, laughing and crying with them. I see you shining with pride for her. Father I see Nicole staying focused on what the teacher has to say. I see her reminding other kids to do the same. I see her asking great questions that help her and others learn. I see her do this by putting her hand up and waiting for the teacher to answer her. Father, I thank you for Nicole’s teacher. She is wise. She is strong. We know she loves you. We pray for you to help us bring your love through us to the classroom today. Father I see you protecting Nicole’s mind, Like a helmet on her head only allowing your truth to come in.

And I then turn to Nicole, and ask her if she can see Jesus in every part of her day. I ask if she can start to remember God in every place of her picture thoughts. She says yes.

I am so thankful we drive her to and from school every day.