A Kingdom Agenda...

In all of my 41 years of life I have never had to ask the question, as a girl / woman, do I have permission to be here? My home of origin possessed diversity in the most beautiful ways of expression and I was raised to believe that I was God’s gracious gift of life. I was told I was special, set apart, and called to do the good works God had prepared for me before the foundations of the world were laid… and I believed all of it, quite innocently from a young age.  I have failed, I have learned. I have succeeded, and glory was placed at the foot of heaven. Never, not once was I aware that my being female might be an issue.

Don’t get me wrong, there has always been the token sexist remark, or reminders not to be too emotional or not to nag for fear of being misunderstood or misrepresenting the cause… but never did I look around and say – If I was a boy this would be so much easier… until recently.

How was I to know the expectation was for me to have a women’s agenda? How was I to know my gender would in some way intimidate or hinder the forward movement of the kingdom of God. Who would have known I had such power in my loins? No one, because it is a complete lie. All of it. A huge crazy suppressive lie that I now know actually exists in some peoples minds, and as a result it is played out in their lives.

Lies are an interesting thing. People don’t often believe a lie knowing it is a lie. Who would want to believe a lie? People believe a lie based on circumstances, misinformation, fear. It is a form of oppression. Oppression is not always our fault. Believing a lie is not always a choice. One lie can set the foundation for an entire community, entire generations. One lie can affect the course of history.

I recognise others seeing women as less than God’s intended purpose as oppression. An oppression that when face to face with some, fog replaces clarity in their eyes and is followed by a dismissive smile. An oppression that runs deeper and affects wider than so many are even aware of.  An oppression that attempts to steal power from the prince of peace and believes the redemptive work on the cross did not cover all sins ever committed by mankind… or womankind.

Ironic that the very people who claim to be oppressed in the world could actually look to their oppressors and back away knowing the truth; those who oppress are in their own prison of oppression.

Let me be clear in saying it was never my goal to have a women’s agenda. I still don’t actually have one. I am a women in ministry, with a kingdom agenda. That agenda is for all people, and not against anyone. But can I no longer see the world through a neutral coloured lens. Now I am aware that the words I say and moves I make do not only represent myself, but every other young female follower of Jesus that will walk this narrow path behind me.

The world tells me to fight. It tells me I am entitled to equality. The world tells me to take what I deserve, that if I don’t stand up for myself, who will? They say, Do it for your daughters, be part of the movement that steps over others, and oppresses to get what you want.

But I do not operate with the same currency of the world. I will not blaze a path with heavy machinery or yell and scream to have my side heard. I don’t need to fight. I don’t need to strive. Fighting for something that is already mine in Christ is a waste of time. If I feel the need to prove, I have already lost my place at the table. All the approval I will ever need was achieved at Calvary.

And there it is: my kingdom agenda. All the approval anyone will ever need was achieved at Calvary. Live it, breath it, sleep for the next day when you will live it again. Permission granted – agenda met – approval given. Praying by Gods grace we can share this this agenda together.

Off they Went...

Off they went, to school today with my whole heart in their hands. The first day of school after a long leisure of summer warmth, and late night swims, then they are gone.

I repeatedly regret my removed self in the summer months. Time spent changing the world while my little girl begs for my help in a change of clothes. Nights of wonder about plans 10 years from now as my first born 10th year of life slips like water poured over my finger tips. If only regret worked like repentance, and quick moving water more like sand.

Even as I write, woken by these small gifts I cannot come to grips with my great need for time to fall light as snow, wrapped in seed. What good is a harvest if one forgets to plant? What good is seed hidden from nourishment?

Off they went to school today with my whole heart in their hands.

Off they went to the movies today car key's in hand and friends waiting.

Off they went big day today, white dress, diamond ring, blue hair clip.

Off they went to the hospital today, cry of grand babies echoed through eternity.

Off to they went to school today, and I just wanted to hold them close, in one last moment, not allow the bus with a stranger driving pull away leaving me to stand alone.

Oh my heart. This back to school stuff is hard.

Quiet Anxiety

I have realized that with August and September comes a quiet anxiety that attempts to steal my excitement for what is about to come. I'm not sure if we are called to live with anxiety, and as I wake in the morning with no invite of thought but of God... I search to know what drives my body to react in such a unwelcome way.

Anxiety is fear manifested... fear of failure, fear of loosing control, fear of not measuring up, of the unknown. Fear manifested shows up in my life as escape, or addiction. It naws at my insecurities and tricks me into thinking that I am not where I should be... trusting, obeying.

Obedience takes great courage. Sometimes the map of obedience presents itself one piece at a time, you know where you need to be, and where you will end up, but are not sure which route to take.

Trust takes great courage. Trust that God will sustain, trust to hear clearly, not taking on too much or too little as God continues to redeem unknown disobedience.

Can you trust and obey in an anxiety sort of way? Can you run toward the darkness, trusting God lights it up as you do? Can you invite others and watch their way light up as you walk together?

It always ends here. Trust. Learning to trust, difficult to trust. And to think the creator of the world trusts. That he included his creation in sustaining and maintaining all that is made to glorify Him. To trust as the creator trusts. To obey as Jesus obeyed.

My wandering Canada...

I see the rising of Great Rockies
and feel the sinking of the tide
a million voices chanting
protecting what is not ours.

The imovable shield we stand on,
the great river divide
The current that gives and takes away
and see the harvest with none to stand beside.

Leaves fall with flakes to follow
each its own shape and size
they each landas we all have,
forgotten is the time.

Illumination in the evening
entertainment for the day
blessings of entertainment
distant lands with suffering
fade away.

With no warning a warm breath
consumes us from the south
caressing our cold cheeks
crowding the blanket out.

I hear the sound of
a million seekers walking
looking for a heven -
a new beginning.

As the land Springs forth
and gives birth to new life
through a narrow tunnel
death is met
an entire generation forgotten.

No eye has seen
nor ear has heard

We know in our being
and with one word

we are saved.

All the earth is Holy ground.
All of Canada is Holy ground.
We are consumed by Holy Ground.
Consume us with you.

"Taking my choice away... "

"At the age of 18 I wish someone would have taken away my right to choose. I had the right to choose. I choose to have unprotected sex that resulted in pregnancy."

And it was in this moment that I realized that not all 18 year olds are ready to make the decision to take another human beings life. She wishes now that the law would have protected her unborn child. It is not a question of choice, but rather consequence that now haunts her.

"Somone else shouldnt have to pay for my mistake. We suffer the consequences of our own mistakes. but instead I choose to kill my mistake, rather thank deal with it."

There was no one to walk beside her, no doctor had councelled her on who to talk to.  She was 18, she was alone, and she saw no way out.

"It took me a really long time to forgive myself. Forgiving others is easy. Forgiving self and accepting forgiveness is much more difficult."

We hear about the need to choose, but we are forcing our girls to choose with no education, is that really a choice? If you were given the choice to murder or not murder, which would you choose?

THAT in my opinion is the issue at hand.

Active Rest

High Capacity Leaders are filled up through times of business. People cheering, our voice heard, accomplishments moving forward.

But what of the times of rest? What of the times of stillness and rejuvenation? Healing, revelation, and applause from heaven - rest filled in the pleasure of the Father.

In times of rest it is difficult to trust that God is at work, especially when we are not.

Is it possible to be active in rest?  Could resting be work for some of us? Could resting be a spiritual discipline are failing to practise?

Why is rest so difficult for high capacity leaders, and how can it become a spiritual discipline?

You either choose rest, or it chooses you. Seasons of business are unavoidable, and so are seasons of rest. Here are some ways I have chosen rest, and trusted God was at work through those times.

"Be silent before the Lord, all humanity, for he is springing into action from his holy dwelling"
Zechariah 2:13

Rest seems to come easily to a more seasoned leader. Rest comes easily to the leader that knows the plan did not start and will not end with them. From years of waiting and trusting they know that not all of what God has shown them will come to pass in their lifetime. They know and trust God in his timing and ability to bring others along to do his work. Seeing a plan from outside of time - through the eyes of the one who creates all plans - allows us to rest.

To the leader that stands in awe of the plan, and does not become overwhelmed with it is to trust something more is at work. To see the end, is often to be overwhelmed with the process. Or, to see the end is to trust the path is being made for others to join you. Trust God in others, as closely as you have trusted the vision and end God has given to you. Your journey people are just as important as the end people.

God is sovereign. He is our focus. He knows what we need. He knows what He wants. He invites us to his "beyond our understanding bigger than life plans". He is not held back by our fear, overwhelmedness or resistance. He requires our trust, and our obedience.

God knows. He has a reason, a plan, and holds it all as he sits outside of time, orchestrating the entire beautiful plan with or without us.

Maybe we need to begin to see active rest as a necessity. Maybe we teach it to the next generation. Because when people are exhausted from doing and running, our people will be a witness to the prince of peace by simply being and resting.

Assume: you know that that does???

I have recently had a few people make assumptions about me according to their own insecurities or short comings. Although this is frustrating, it forces me to look at how Jesus dealt with assuming bystanders.

I gotta tell you though, this assuming things and I go way back... we have some history that is difficult to ignore, and triggers my need to fight and defend self every single time.

But I am reminded that first off, Jesus never said to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME because Jesus wasn't so worried about how he was seen by others. So in my case, although I would like to pull the victim card, I will refrain, based on the fact that Jesus would never have played victim.

Second, I have learned in my 40 years of life that peoples assumptions say way more about them than they do about you. If you are a big enough person, you can recognise, name and carry the burden of the other person with you, and have grace to extend understating rather than always fight to be understood.

Third, does it really matter? Will people's assuming effect me eternally? will it affect the kingdom eternally? Where will it fall to cause the least amount of damage? Jesus said HIS yoke is easy and the burden light... so do not carry what is not yours, know the truth about self, and rest in his truth.

And last of all, rise above the assumptions. If it is not true, let it run off of you like a dip in a cool lake on a hot summers afternoon. This will be refreshing both to yourself and to others. Defending oneself shows insecurity, and insecurity points to ego... I need not think more of myself than what is true, and what is true can be found in my identity in Christ.

As I write this, I am reminded of the many times I have misunderstood others and made assumptions about them. I have been extended grace, many times. It is in recognising the times others extended grace to me that I now extend it to others... but only by the measure of grace given to me by the Father. In my human self, to ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME... but I have left that life behind.

Belonging

This month I have been reminded of my desperate need to belong.

There were a few situations I was included in, or excluded from that made me ask some hard questions about what it means to actually feel like I belong. How much of this belonging is "them" and how much of it is "me"? Is it my natural bend to isolate, and if that "human natural" part of me wants to isolate all the time, what does it look like to not do this?

I know that I can only blame myself for not belonging, because although not everyone will want me to be part of what they are doing, I cannot control other people's actions. I can only control my response, and my ask to take part and then belong.

Even as I assess this whole process, I see the simplicity of the whole matter... as I complicate things and know where God will lead my wanderings, I see how youth, and children could get stuck here, in isolation. Has this been a protective case I have stayed in because it was too painful as a child to be rejected? What of resiliency and the need for others... community? How long can one go repeating the same path before God's invite to be part of something bigger is more appealing? In my 40th year of life, are these really the deepest longings of my heart?

Isolation will not create things that will pass through the fire or cross to the other side of eternity. 

Is it normal to feel like an orphan? Is it normal to think about the way you pictured people and situations as a child then see the death of them? The truth can be a hurtful thing, and with the death of childlike perception comes the life of something much more permanent and true. The passing of a misconception feels like death. God must fill that gap. The foundations of our thoughts must be held in in the hands of the one that hold the depths of the sea. Building new ways to believe and see the world takes time. Mourning the loss of perceptions that once were, takes time as well.

I belong because He has said it is so. I belong to Him, and in Him. As abstract of a concept this is. To live this within the communion of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, expressed through His people. Yes, that mistrusted group that I am also part of. But within the trust of a God that spun the universe into existence... I belong. No longer an orphan, but held, not just help but upheld next to the one that gave his word; that is the word.

Don't ask me how to live in this new belonging. Trust is lacking, heart is warn, and my tongue is so quick to know all that is not needed to be said.

Belonging

The way we are seen

The lies we choose to believe are powerful. Even as I write these words after the fact I am reminded that days of discouraged living can come on strong and weigh heavy on our souls. allow these reminders to cling to you like a winter fog.

In the beginning, I had my sights on you. Before I created my first tree, or animal, I saw you. I knew the day you would be born, and the day we will embrace in heaven. I made the whole earth for you to play in, to create, to love, to make mistakes in and to share it all with me.

I choose your name, put you in the family you are in, and I know they make mistakes too. Your earthly parents are trying, just like you are.

I don’t love you like the world loves you. I don’t love you how you love others. I love you fully, and completely… All in, with nothing holding me back. I risk loving you every single day. I don’t worry what you think of me, that could never change my love for you. My love doesn’t fade with how you act, or how you feel about me. My love is constant, uncontrollable, and has no beginning or end.

Did you know that when you do something amazing, I dance over you? My favor is always on you. I choose you, even when you don’t choose me. In me you live and breath and have you being.

When you don’t see me and don’t feel me, it doesn’t mean I am not there. With every breath, you breath me in. In you, I have placed the most powerful force on earth. This is the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. It is the power that heals the sick and commands the storm to recall.

My name, Jesus holds within it the power to change the world. When you are afraid, say my name out loud. When you need help, ask for help in the name of Jesus. Never allow fear to rule you.

Today, in this moment, know that these words are true. Will you trust me? Will you love me? Will you choose what is right and let the rest fall into place the way I see fit? Will you give me you? Every part? The good, the bad and the parts you don’t even know about yet? Will you choose me as I have chosen you?