Honouring the stank eye...

I drop my kids off at the bus, and from the tinted window near the back I always get the stank eye. Same kid, same seat, every day.

I stand waving, and it seems like the only kid that sees me waving is giving me the stank eye... right out there for all to see, or maybe that's just how it feels to me.

How you receive the stank eye says more about you than it does about the person giving the stank eye.

("stank eye" is a thing?)

He gives me the stank eye, and I, like an idiot continue my goofy wave, and continue back to my house. I wonder if he would smile if I did something more drastic like throw a snowball or do the floss... after all, he is the only kid that is looking.

I was kind of grumpy today and thought, "well little stank eyed kid, maybe you wont get a Johanna wave today just because I don't feel like it... maybe your stank eye will be received with a stank eye of my own!" But I forced my hand in the air, and moved it back and forth at the stank eyed kid staring back at me.

I don't know stank eyed kid, he doesn't know me. I don't know if he was up half the night because his parents were fighting about money issues through Christmas, if He has a sister that was up late on the phone with her boyfriend in the next room, or if he was looking at things under the covers of his blankets on the Internet that he shouldn't be... I just don't know.

What I do know is this: If I reacted every time I got the stank eye from a kid, my face would be in a continual stank eyed position... Not just one or two stank eyes but a whole stanky face.

AND how many people do I give the stank eye without realising it?? I will sometimes say to my oldest daughter, "When you do this: (stank eye on steroids) you are giving a message of "eat dirt and die." What are you actually trying to tell me, and please be respectful, and use your words." I'm not sure she realises that she is even giving me the stank eye... and who am I to assume the stank?

And therein lies the truth. You don't know the life behind the stank. 

So today I make a choice to honour the stank eye. I will treat every stank eye that comes my way like a smile, and make the assumption that it has nothing to do with me until told otherwise. I invite you to do the same. Honour the stank eye.

The night

I look out and I see day, but inside it is night. 

The day awakens my senses, entices my wants.

But yesterdays engaging the day brought more wants. 

In the night you are here, and you invade my very skin.

You give me the needs with no want of regret.

The day and the night, you help me choose.

You remind me of you.

The light is not the day. 

It is not produced or created by you, 

nor a false light that man has made. 

The light in the night is pure, and true. 

The light in the night is blinding and warm

peace filled with no need to perform

It begs my surrender in days that are warn. 

I look out and see day, but inside it is night

the night awakens my senses for you are 

the truest of light.

For all the days I have lived

the night is where I will stay

until your new day dawns, 

and I stand in full surrender 

before the light of the world.

Psalm 139:19-20

John 3:19-21

An invite to explore, expand, trust

Do you every have those moments that you know you should do something and you just don't... or those moments when you know you should do something and you do?

This week I was driving back from Toronto, and there was an old brown camper van putting along the 401. It had Beautiful British Columbia Plates, and a woman with dark brown hair and tats on her arms. As I passed by, her window was down, and i could see she was smiling and singing. Radiant Joy. That's all I can think of now to describe her. In a moment I felt like I needed to pull into the next exit just to see if she was going to pull in... then i could, what? Talk to her? About what??? What would I say to this complete stronger? I only had 5 bucks cash if she needed gas money. It was ridiculous. I had 2 seconds to make the exit, she was about 100 meters behind me already. I choose not to. I stayed the course. I passed the exit and strained to see in my rear view mirror to see if she was going to exit. She did. Regret.

And Now i find myself here, writing about it two days later.

Today I was driving down Stewart in Brockville, and saw two people out with giant signs about Indigenous women. I was so impressed, but hesitated to turn around because of traffic and time. The incident two days before had taught me to just take the risk and go talk to them. I turned around, parked and talked to them. Long story short, there was encouragement in the stop.

Two situations, two opportunities. One a lost regret, another, a beautiful confirmation. As a follower of Jesus, I would call these "Spirit invites". Do you ever get these? Do you do it, or do you ignore? What are you missing out on? The prompts always feel like an invite.... and beckoning whisper to explore, and invite to expand connections, an invite to trust, test and do what you think you are being asked to... Try it sometime... God may surprise you!

And to be super honest, EVERY SINGLE TIME I trust those Spirit invites, I am never disappointed.

Hope for today

For you, the person needing hope today. For the mom that isn't feeling like she is enough. To the leader who is unsure of their ability to lead the ones in their care. To the one plagued by doubt and shame. To the one that has been questioning if Jesus is the son of God, and all that He is and did is true...

Lift your head to the one that created you. The Father. Every part of you. He created you for beautiful, unspeakable, unseen things. Every hair on your head, every feeling in your heart, every desire in the depths of your soul, His creation. A mini world within this great unending timeless universe he continues to breath into life. He is your home. He showers you with grace that has left you free to be who he first intended for you. Fall into His arms today. Let what is not, fall to the side.

Be the person you will be when stand before your King in eternity. Unashamed, no regrets, full of love, truth, grace. 

Afraid of the dark...

I can remember being 5 years old and being terrified of having to walk down a pitch dark hallway to get to the washroom. My parents did not believe in night lights, and to this day I am so thankful.

My 5 year old self learned to hate fear. Just as fear is an emotion, so is anger... so fear became my anger. When my 40 year old self thinks on fear, anger was an appropriate response, because fear is a lie. I realised at 5 that fear, not darkness was in the way of getting me to the place I needed to be. That fear, not a lack of trust was in the way of making friends. That fear, not rejection was in the way of doing what I had been made to do... and to this day I can trace every hesitation back to fear, which still makes me angry.

There is something exhilarating about knowing your hand is in front of your face, and not being able to see it, or having darkness as think as tar surrounding you, but being able to walk freely though it with no hesitation. Knowing in your mind what your feelings wont allow you to see. This is where we get tripped up.

My 5 year old self choose to storm through a pitch dark hallway to reach my destination. Some nights I told my feet linger over the end of the bed long enough to let the evil creatures under my bed know that they had no place near me. Rebellion was in my favour in this one. Resilience was found in never allowing fear to have hold of me.

Please excuse my reaction when I see you become fearful of something. My heart burns to see people live to their full potential, and when fear hold them back, I react. We have been given the mind of Christ Jesus. God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I was reminded of all of this fear stuff when recently someone I respect dearly told me he saw me as fearless. I was stunned, and had a flash of all of the situations I have walked through, terrified, knowing I had to reach the destination on the other side of my fear.

I am not fearless. I use fear as a prompt to run to my heavenly Father, and ask Him what is happening to me. If fear is a liar, what is the lie? If I know the lie, then what is the truth? When I walk in truth, there is no darkness, only light.

If you are afraid of the dark... fear is real. What can you do?

Don't let some thing you cant identify stop you... call it out. Pray, ask people you trust, know what the fear is, and be honest about it. Is it external, is it internal? External will always come back to internal... and be something you need to deal with yourself. Fear of the darkness isn't fear of the darkness, there is something much deeper going on.

Train your mind to react in truth when fear comes. I am feeling nervous, why? Deal with the surface issue, then move deeper.

At the base of my foundations my fear always has to do with not trusting God will look after me. This fear was imprinted on me from a young age. God has had to remind me every day, that He is God, and that people are people. That he is not them, and that people can only do as good as they can with what they have, and with who they are. People make the wrong choices, and it is Gods business to deal with them, not mine... Jesus took that pain, and I am called to trust and believe Jesus was enough. I have also had been told that there is nothing that has come into my life that God has not allowed, and he is redeeming all things, making all things new in his time. When I believe this truth, there is a sweet place of peace and rest. Fear has no place here.

We need not fear if we believe in a God that is in the process of making all things new.

lie / truth... how do I tell the difference?

I felt I needed to write this today, coming out of an exhausting ministry weekend... I remain standing while being a target in full on attack mode, but share these things as they are still fresh. 

1 Peter 5:7-9 New International Version (NIV)

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between truth and lies. They can be so similar, and sometimes lies can be sprinkled with truth... and in a fog, it is good to know how to weed through your mind, and discern one from the other. This is how I do it... and some of the bits and pieces behind how my mind works.

"Do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your MIND"

(Romans 12: 2)

• To KNOW the truth, you must KNOW the word of God.

To know the truth, you must know it first in your mind, because your heart will deceive you. To know the truth, you must know God's character, and you can only know this by reading the word of God. 

This is the single most important part of knowing the difference between truth and lies... Knowing the word of God, knowing God's character.

• Gods will invite you forward, a lie will condemn and keep you in the same place. 

Whenever I have had to figure out a lie, I have had to ask myself, if a statement invites me forward, or keeps me in the same place. satan is sneaky. he will prey on your weaknesses, and speak truth, but it will be truth that keeps you in the same place, rather than inviting you forward.

The best example i have of this is in being a mom, having a sleepless weekend and yelling at my children instead of taking the time for teachable moments in the moment. Monday morning devo's... I get this nagging thought... "You were a horrible mom this weekend." Truth. I was a horrible mom this weekend... BUT not helpful, definitely not moving me forward. I do not dwell on it... I do not make excuses, I do not shame myself further, I simply go, yup... and move on. After time in the word, confessing my shortfalls to God, another thought comes in. "You were hard on the girls this weekend... I wonder what you could have done differently." See the difference? Invite into making change happen... God knows I know... I then walk through the steps of putting a plan in place to get rest, accountability from my hubby, and issue has been dealt with. 

Had I listened to the first lie, I would not have been compelled forward. God's love for me NEVER speaks to me by telling me I am a horrible. That first lie attacked me as a person... Jesus took that attack on the cross... disregard it. Take the invite to change your character, put a plan into action and move forward.

•  Lies will isolate and truth will invite you into community.

Because a lie shames and attacks character, you feel too horrible about yourself to interact with it in community. I find I am given a question then given the answer almost immediately after I ask. The answer more often than not includes the body, and how to bring others in, based on gifting, accountability or wise council. 

I underlined "be of SOBER mind" in the beginning, because it is important to have a sober idea of your weaknesses and strengths as well. You will be insecure in your weaknesses, and self-sufficient in your strengths. Both are wrong. Jesus says when you are weak i am strong, and You are the body of Christ. Your weakness is where you depend on God and others the most. Allow those to shine so that God can be seen through it all. Humble yourself to know that as you become less, he becomes more in you, and in the world. To be lost you will be found... found in him, who created you and set you apart from the beginning.

That's it, hope it helps. If you get a minute pray for your leaders today please do. Attack is real, and comes in waves... but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world! 

Here it comes, the BIG 40.

40: As the day approaches, I struggle to reach down to connect with the place in myself that actually knows what I think or feel around this whole occasion.

What I once thought I would be and want have all faded into lesser things, become less specific, or less tangible. There is no earthly position, no physical thing that has filled or settled, calmed or held me like this. There are moments outside of time, glimpses of eternity that we are invited into that trace a narrow path to revelation. Quite often we miss them because these paths begin with a choice, an act of obedience that is far outside our understanding, faith or capacity. This invite beckons us into something so grand, although we rarely know it at the time of the invitation. Seasons of obedience, seasons of revelation... then what I have learned to live for... That I wont give up for anything less now, in my 40th year of life...

That sweet spot where the pleasure of the Father rests on his people... and he lets me know it. 

Those moments have come in waves for the last year. A sort of heavenly addiction that could not surpass any other. The glance of a saviour, the hand of the Father tilting my chin up to know heaven has opened and the Father had made it so, on earth as it is in heaven. As these moments become more frequent, I cant help but wonder how my human eyes will survive the next 40 years.

And for me, this is it. Seasons of obedience that lead to revelation that lead to knowing it is all as it should be on earth, as it is in Heaven.