"Search me O God and know my anxious thoughts...."

"...See if there is any offensive way in me"
"...Point out anything in me that offends you"
"...Cross-examine and test me,get a clear picture of what I’m about"
"...See if there is any ·bad thing [hurtful way] in me"
(these are all different versions of vs.24a)
Psalm 139:23-24a

I wore the confession of selfishness like a badge up until this morning. I used it as a huge warning light for friends;a sort of protection from anyone getting too close.  I used it as an excuse when I needed time alone away from the chaos of crowds and children, instead of admitting that I was depleted and had not yet found a way to plug myself back into the source.

This morning after asking God to search my heart once again, he decided to show me that this is offensive to Him.  And I was not in the least bit surprised.  I have now not walked away feeling guilty or shamed, but rather am excited about what this correction will look like in my everyday life.

This is how He walked me through it:

God: Nicole and Trinity are my children.  I don't want Satan to have a foothold in your life later on because you were preoccupied with your own stuff.

Me: How do I live unselfishly for you and for others?

God: it is not you who fills their needs, but me through you.  Like any gift, it is me everything flows from.  You are but a temporary go between.

Me: So if you know what they need, and I have no clue then you need to show me. Forgive me of my selfishness. i cannot d this alone...(then into a long and not needed rehash of my sin...)

God: Your selfishness is the inablilty to walk with and receive all of my provision for others from me.

Me: what lie have I believed that you to replace with your truth?

God: the fear of being completely depleted.  I alone am the source of everything you need for yourself and for others.  Give completely of yourself so that I can give you more.  You will not run out, you will never be depleted in me.

(When I ask God a question, much of the time he is answering it as I am asking it, and there is an overlap in my answer of God speaking it, and me receiving it, like a memorised song we have sung already together, I am just remembering the tune, and the words as He sings it to me.)

After all of that God brings me to a place of looking at Jesus and how in his death there is new life. At the end of our depletion, if we choose, there is still Him.  So to fear coming to the end of ourselves to find more of Him, is not longer a fear, but a goal.

It is the daily moment by moment application and not unlearning this truth that we will now move forward into... Ask God to search you, and be prepared to change.